Inspector Elric
by TornadoWeirdo
Summary: A sick Edward is forced to track down a potential bad guy that for some reason no one else can track down. Contains general goofiness, possible factual inaccuracies, lots of brotherly bickering, and Roy acting like a troll. Rated T for the expected profanity.


**I decided to mess around with these characters in a short and silly crime story. They're way too much fun to write.**

* * *

><p>The sun rose from the east of Central Headquarters, and an early morning train blew its whistle from the distance. The halls of the military dorm were empty; soldiers had already showered, dressed, and gone to the mess hall for breakfast, soon to prepare for their daily training. Only one of them remained in bed.<p>

The lone slow metal sounds of Alphonse's steps clanked up the stairs and through the halls as he approached the door to his brother's room. He held a tray of food in one hand, and knocked on the door with the other. "Ed? Hey Ed, aren't you up yet?"

He cupped his free hand to his nonexistent ear and listened for an answer. After a few seconds of hearing none, he sighed and reached for the doorknob. "I'm coming in." The door creaked as he opened it. "You know it's starting to get late. I brought you some breakfast so you wouldn't miss – "

Alphonse froze in the open doorway at what he saw. " – It."

Edward was curled up on his side with his pillow to his face and his blankets covering only his legs. His hair was a mess and he looked hot and sweaty, even though he seemed to have not moved an inch for five hours. He shuddered a little and opened his eyes.

"Ed…" Al spoke softly. "Are you all right?"

Ed groaned as he closed his eyes again, shifted around, and curled up tighter. "Go away, Al. I didn't get any sleep."

"You were sleeping when I left the room last night," Al said. "I waited over an hour at the mess hall for you."

"Well if it makes you happy then you can stay here and wake me at the crack of dawn instead of doing all-nighter research at the library," Ed muffled flatly into his pillow; he didn't sound like he actually wanted Al to follow his suggestion.

"I just feel like I can be more productive over there," claimed Al, ignoring Ed's attitude. "Anyway, now that you're awake, I've got breakfast here for you." He walked into the room and held out the tray of pancakes, fruit, and water. "I managed to sneak some out before the other guys ate it all."

"I'm not hungry," came Ed's response.

"Uh, what?"

"I said I'm not hungry!"

Al stood still for a moment. "That's not a good sign." He placed the tray on a nearby table. It didn't take him long to make his deduction. "…I knew it."

"Knew what?"

"That you're sick! I mean, first you were sneezing yesterday, but you told me it was just allergies; now you say you don't have an appetite and it looks to me like you're burning up!"

Ed sniffed. "Okay-okay, so maybe I am sick. All the more justification for me to stay in bed." He broke out in a cough that he'd been trying to repress.

"Hm." Al wasn't going to leave his brother to rot in bed. "I'd better get you some medicine and a bowl of hot soup so you can get back on your feet as soon as possible."

"I don't need anything, Al."

"Well how are you going to be able to handle an assignment if Colonel Mustang gives you one on short notice?"

Ed lifted his flesh arm and waved away the issue. "Don't worry about him. That egomaniac's got his butt planted in Eastern Headquarters; there's no way he'd have a job for me now."

"Excuse me, Edward Elric, Sir," came a voice from behind Alphonse, causing Edward to lower his arm. Al stepped to the side suddenly upon glancing back and seeing Second Lieutenant Ross right outside the door.

"I noticed you hadn't reported to the mess hall and saw your brother leave to come find you. Sergeant Brosh says you have an office call from Colonel Mustang. He says it's very important."

Al barely suppressed a chuckle at this turn of events. "Speak of the devil."

Ed groaned loudly, drawing Maria's utmost attention.

"Ed? Are you not feeling well?" Maria asked in a slightly worried tone.

"I think my body temperature just shot up three more degrees," he rasped in reply. He reached over and yanked his covers over his head. "Ugghh. _Dammit!_"

* * *

><p>About an hour later, over at Eastern Headquarters, there was a drumming sound coming from Roy's newly designated office that gave one a pleasant view outside the windows of the Eastern militia cemetery. Roy was tapping and drumming his fingers on top of the unpleasant stack of paperwork at his desk, with the desk phone held up to his ear. His expression appeared as dead as the graveyard and his head hung over as drool was trickling out of his mouth.<p>

"And that's when she held out her hand and petted the little thing; if I wasn't so worried about her hand getting chewed on I'd be pulling out the canvas and painting a heavenly portrait for the gods!" Lieutenant Colonel Hughes had been narrating his family's expedition to the petting zoo within a bigger zoo. "Of course Gracia's a lot more of a better painter than I am; she's got this eye for color and details; I've just got an eye for phonebooks. Oh, but Elicia's learning to paint, too! She made these gorgeous flowers today with the new fingerpaint kit we bought her when we took a weekend off to go to the big mall here in East City's plaza; it has this wonderful kid's store that sells all kinds of adorable things; they let Elicia try their ready-to-bake toy oven and she made a cute little plastic pie and wanted the storekeeper there – oh bless her heart! – to try tasting it!"

Lieutenant Hawkeye walked into the office and started filing papers in a nearby cabinet.

"And we all laughed when the person told her, 'I can't taste it because that's not a real pie; it only looks real but it's plastic'! Even Elicia laughed; she said, 'Then can we bring some flour from the market and make a real one instead'? And Gracia said, 'Maybe next time'! Hahaha! She's gonna turn my daughter into the best tiniest cook in the country, Roy, I'm telling ya, with the way that woman wields a rolling pin and a spatula – "

"Gaghk." Roy sputtered a noise that sound like he wanted to end Maes' rambling, but didn't have the energy to do so.

"…Oh I'm sorry were you trying to say something? Hm, for a second there I thought the line was breaking up. On that note, you've got to see what Gracia and Elicia are planning together for the – "

A faint beeping from the phone caused Roy's eyes to open. "Pardon me Hughes, I've got another call. You're going to have to tell me the rest of your story later." With that Roy switched the line.

"…_Oh thank God_," he breathed, lowering his head. The silence provided relief as he waited for the other end to connect.

Riza aligned a stack of papers by thumping them on top of the filing cabinet. "You were on with him for quite a long time, Colonel."

Roy had a bead of sweat forming on his temple. "I was waiting for him to get his family's summer exploits out of his system so he wouldn't call me twenty times a day this week."

Soon, his phone connected to the phone of his savior caller. Roy huffed, cleared his throat, and then spoke. "This is Mustang."

A tired, embittered voice spoke from the receiver. "Hi Colonel, this is Edward Elric. What is it you want from me this time?" The voice also sounded stuffed up.

Roy stared ahead, blinking once. "…Whoa Ed, sounds like some bad spirits caught you."

"Yeah, I'm sick with a cold." Ed sniffed and wiped his nose on the sleeve of his coat. (Ew.) He was all dressed and standing in a phone room by a table in the communications office. "Can we just get on with what you wanted to talk about so I can go back to bed?"

"Actually, Fullmetal, I have an assignment for you today." Ed grimaced but didn't curse… out loud. "The investigation department over at Central Command has given us an intelligence report this morning of a man lurking around Central Square who's the suspected member of a crime ring. This ring recently began smuggling an alchemically manufactured product into the underground markets of major cities – which is not only illegal but potentially hazardous to the public at large."

Sniffing, Ed rubbed his eyes. "What's the product."

"Solid mercury. It's being used as material to build machine parts and infrastructure. We've got a few pieces of evidence to show for it but no source. That's where you come in. Your job is to capture the suspect and see if he can't tell you the whereabouts of these mobsters' development labs. Given the virtue of your alchemical talents I decided they could use a little flexing after a hiatus. Are you up to the task?" he questioned with a shade of amusement in his voice.

"I'd rather eat dog food," Ed muttered under his breath.

"Very well," Roy obliged. "Would you like yours minced or ground up pound for pound?"

"…Just give me a lead so I can go." Ed was rubbing his forehead. "Ugh. You said Central Square, right?"

"That's right." Roy skimmed through the document he had at his desk on the suspect. "He must've profited enough from his precious commodity to hide out at one of the Square's fancy hotels. A civilian claimed to have spotted the man roaming the streets last night and earlier this morning but the military police unit hasn't been able to find hide nor hair of him."

Ed was becoming even more irritated. "Then what makes you think I'll have an easier time?"

"His gang's mercury compound has been refined through alchemy and should have a unique olfactory signature that would stick to anyone working in highly specialized labs. Assuming you're familiar with the properties of all known metals you'd have the likeliest chance of being able to detect this signature by just using your nose."

"So you want me to be a pointer dog, huh?" Ed sniffed and rubbed his nose with a gloved finger. "Bad news: I'm too stopped up to even smell your office perfume."

Roy lost a bit of his patience. "Listen Ed, we're running out of time and we're best off accomplishing this investigation with a specialist in metals. This is an order, minor physical ailments notwithstanding. Now pay attention while I give you the remaining information on your target. You'll wanna write down every last detail."

Too sick and tired to argue, Ed gave in. Coughing once, he grabbed a pen and piece of paper from the table nearby. He propped the phone on his shoulder and prepared to write. "Whenever you're ready, Colonel."

"The person's physical description matches our suspect's to a T. He's got brown eyes, a long skinny nose with a nick, pale skin, short tawny-gray hair combed back into a porcupine 'do, a tall, lean build, and he was last seen wearing tan dress pants, a white buttoned-down shirt and a charm necklace. …Got all that?"

Ed finished writing and clicked the pen. "Yes, _Sir_," he managed to say.

"Good. Now hop to it, 'Inspector Elric.'" Roy hung up the phone.

Next the colonel tilted his head over to Riza. "I've got something on my mind, Lieutenant. This business of driving military personnel around like mules has really kept me from thinking about what more I could be doing with my life."

Riza held a folder up to herself and stood still at the side of Roy's desk.

"If I truly wanted to be a protector of society, then why am I letting myself squat behind the scenes pencil-pushing instead of being redeployed to the real world with my subordinates?"

Riza gazed intently at Roy. "It's because you're lending yourself a greater purpose: honing your effort, your ideals and focus so when the time does come for you to enter the fray, you'll be better prepared."

"Hmm. Then again, look at the cost of those before me who put their lives on the line to defend the nation, and were graced enough to end the pain rapidly."

Riza followed Roy's eyes out the nearest window to the expanse of the Eastern cemetery.

Roy stared in the direction of that window for a while. "…I suppose after all this hard work I kind of look forward to sleeping forever."

Riza closed her eyes in annoyance at Roy's sudden change in attitude. "Please tell me that's your dark sense of humor talking, Sir."

* * *

><p>After choosing to sleep through the rest of the day in spite of his orders, Edward boarded an evening trolley with Alphonse that led all the way up to Central Square. The trolley was filled to its maximum capacity, which made Ed even more uncomfortable than he was already. A little girl in the seat behind him kept herself occupied during the ride by playing with his braid.<p>

"What the hell would a two-bit black market malefactor be doing in the richest part of town?" Ed demanded as he and Al walked away from the trolley station along the first block of beautiful street lamps and architecture.

"Well," Al answered, "what you told me from the Colonel's standpoint, he thought this would be a totally unexpected place where he could lay low for a while."

"Yeah, but it still doesn't add up." Ed sniffed and observed his surroundings, noticing plenty of men in blue uniforms patrolling the area. "There's military police grunts keeping an eye out from every corner of the Square. Does this guy have a death wish or a brick lodged in his brain?"

Al observed the policeman too. "Maybe they arrived _after_ the investigation report was carried through."

"Nah, this place is always brimming with police because you've got too many rich and important people who need protecting. Speaking of which," Ed jumped to another thought, "we'd better be careful now that I'm thinking about it. We're Resembool hicks in these parts; we could get chewed out by a snobby bourgeois for so much as the way we walk. So for the sake of our dignity stay on your toes."

Al sighed. "Don't you think you're being a little paranoid?" He watched the dozens of exceptionally dressed men, women, and children strolling around, greeting each other and making merry. "The people seem nice and friendly here. We should relax and enjoy ourselves after we catch the suspect, _and_ after we get the lead on his mercury."

Apparently "after" meant "before" for Alphonse, for just a little bit later he got distracted by all the wonderful lit stores appearing along the block and along the one on the other side of the street. He stopped in front of the window of a jewelry store, causing Ed to stop too and turn his head. He put his hands on the glass to get a better look at some of the most brilliant gemstones he had ever seen on display. There were rubies, pearls, emeralds, sapphires, diamonds, and more, with which gold, silver, or platinum was encrusted.

Ed approached the display window alongside his brother, sniffing. "It wouldn't be much of a stretch with alchemy for us to craft those ourselves, ya know," he said as he began coughing into his fist.

By then Al was too busy studying a commercialist sign suspended above the gems. It read: "A token gesture for your problems. Give her a treasure she'll remember."

Al took his hands off the glass, done with his window shopping. "Too bad the Philosopher's Stone isn't in there, or all _our_ problems could be solved."

"Yeah, too bad." Ed yawned and hunched a little.

Al then had a thought. "Maybe we should buy something for Winry," he suggested.

"No way." Ed swiveled his head away, shut his eyes, and turned up his nose. "She's already robbed me enough with the charges on my automail."

Al glanced over at the store's entrance. "I'm gonna go inside and have a closer look anyway. Not to buy, but look. They've got mineral collections, too."

Ed shrugged. "Suit yourself."

As Al went over and opened the store door, a young couple was just exiting. "Excuse me," Al peeped, standing aside to let them through. They looked up and gave him a weird stare as they passed.

His eyes closed as if he were sleeping standing up, Ed put his hands in his pant pockets and waited for Al. However, it didn't take long before the aroma of sweetly baked goods inexplicably broke through his stuffed nose and awoke his appetite. He drooled, and with a goofy smile on his face he sauntered across the street of parked cars and horse carriages to a nearby bakery.

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><p>When Al had exited the jewelry store himself, he noticed Ed wasn't in the place he last saw him. "Ed? Where'd you go?"<p>

"Over here, Al!" echoed Ed's voice. Al zeroed in on Ed's location, which happened to be half a block down up ahead across the street. Ed was waving for him, so he clanked on over in an instant. Once he had joined Ed's side again, the two walked on in the direction of the heart of the Square. Ed was holding a hot, freshly baked treat in his hand, eating away at it bite after bite.

"What's that?" Al peered at it suspiciously. "…A chocolate pastry?!"

"Mm-hm," Ed affirmed with a nod; and he took another bite.

"Ed, that's not good for you. You should have a bowl of soup, or… something healthier."

Ed wiped his hand on his coat, mouth already full of his last bite. "Too late, I'm done eating for now." He finished chewing and swallowed. But then he lifted his hand to his neck in response to an incurring throat pain. "_Gmph_."

"You okay?" Al asked.

"Yeah," Ed wheezed. "I might need a drink to help cool me down though. Where's the nearest quick shop, I wonder?"

Alphonse glared at his brother, groaning to himself.

* * *

><p>The two walked on, in search of possible suspect locales and traces of alchemic mercury. Edward had bought an orange drink and was sipping at it every now and then through a straw. Alphonse trailed behind Edward in an attempt to keep better track of him. As they approached a small open-door wood shop, Al faintly heard the Amestris national anthem playing on one of the radios sitting on a shelf. Once they passed the shop he began subconsciously humming the tune to himself. But Edward could hear him from the front.<p>

"Agh, could you not do that Alphonse?" Ed scratched his fever-ridden head. "I've had my fill of that damn song polluting the air at Central HQ."

Al's wandering mind was snapped back to reality. "Hm? Oh, sorry." He immediately stopped humming.

A neatly groomed, suited man in his middle ages was walking past the two brothers when he heard the words "Central HQ" and turned around, making a mad dash on the side of the street, and cutting the Elric brothers off on the sidewalk. They halted and stared at the man in shock. Ed cocked a mean brow at this rude hyperventilating roadblock.

"I… couldn't help but overhear but… did you say Central Headquarters?" the man inquired. "As in the military command center?"

"Yeah…?" Ed replied.

"Are you in service to the State?"

"Uh-huh. And not only that – I'm a State Alchemist!" Ed held up his pocket watch as proof. "You'd wanna think twice before you mess with me." He strained himself to avoid coughing afterward and looking foolish.

"Haha, yes, of course I would – guh, 'Sir'!" The groomed man held his right hand up in an awkward salute. But then he wonkily reached and shook Ed's right hand vigorously. Ed was stupefied.

"Gosh, I find it so remarkable that a kid would choose to enlist in the army! That's so brave – so admirable of you! You are truly an inspiration to budding young people everywhere!"

After letting Ed's automail arm drop and swing limply the man peered over at Alphonse. Ed took a feeble sip from his drink. "…And who are you in the manly-looking armor?"

Al tensed up and put a hand on his helmet. "I'm, uhh… his bodyguard! I-I'm… ahem…" he belatedly lowered his voice, "a lot older than I sound."

Blinking in silence and wonderment at him, the man returned his attention to Edward, who was now grinning sheepishly. "Well I wish you the best of luck to whatever it is you're doing! Now is it confidential or can I be entrusted to know?"

"We're actually on the hunt for a deranged mercury alchemist who's been sighted here in the Square," explained Ed. "Catching these sorts of creeps is becoming pretty standard for us."

"Then I'd be a fool to stand in your way any longer," the man resolved. He offered one last salute as he strode away. "Thank you for serving our country! And good luck with your creeps!"

Ed waved his hand and smiled weakly as the man disappeared into the pedestrian sea.

"A military fanatic," spoke Al. "Huh, haven't seen one of those in a while."

Somehow, that close encounter with the zealous kind gave Ed a rev of motivation. He turned to his brother. "Okay, time to focus Al. We're not making any progress aimlessly wandering around like those scattered military guards. We should search the indoors as well as outdoors and look for any signs of mercury. Not to mention we can cover _more_ ground if we split up, something we can manage seeing how you and I stick out like a couple of sore thumbs. It'll be easy for us to find each other."

Al nodded. "Sounds like a fair plan. But before we do that, um… do you have any money I could borrow?"

"Yeah, tons. Why?"

"No reason. I wanted to look around and see if there was anything worth buying for our mission."

"Like what?"

"I'm not sure yet. Could I please have some?" Al requested this again as if in a hurry.

"All right-all right." Ed dug into his pocket, and subsequently, his wallet, and pulled out a wad of cash. "Here you go. Spend it only on necessities."

Al gratefully took the cash. "Oh I will."

"I'll go look indoors wherever I can, and you keep on looking out here. 'Kay?"

"'Kay."

* * *

><p>About an hour later, the boys had long since hunted on their own path. Al was still patrolling the open space of the streets, which he preferred due to his size, while Ed was slinking around in a decorative hotel lobby, full of chatting men and women in aristocratic getup. He figured the suspect may have been staying in this building.<p>

"Mercury… solid mercury…" With closed eyes he sniffed and snorted around the circular walls, past doors, benches, and potted plants. He was inching along doing this for a while until he opened his eyes and spotted three dolled-up women staring at him from an open doorway with an elegant carpet rolled out.

"They don't bother training actual dogs for this!" he told them, blushing; and they walked away on the carpet without a comment. Ed averted his eyes as they left. "Cheap penny-pinching bastards."

He continued to sniff around until he felt too dizzy in the head to take it anymore. "Dammit… _still_ can't smell anything. I'm gonna be sucking my nose into my right lung." He took a labored breath and another sip of the drink still in his left hand.

All of a sudden a shadow loomed over him. A gloved hand gripped his shoulder from behind, making him lurch and look over to see a grumpy, bespectacled concierge standing there.

"No beverages in the lobby!"

And with that Ed was thrown out the front door, where he landed at the base of some wide stairs leading up to it. His cloak was flipped over his head.

After readjusting himself and getting on his feet, Ed flipped around and shook his fist. "I'm trying to save your miserable hides, you know that?!"

The door to the bright glittering interior shut on him.

He coughed and groaned and turned his back on the place, hunching over and dragging his feet. "Lousy patricians… lousy cold… lousy Colonel."

He trudged over to the hotel's big outdoor fountain, surrounded by shrubs and people making wishes on coins. Taking his eyes off the ground and moving them ahead, he noticed Al sitting on a bench underneath a tree. Al looked up and noticed him as well.

"Al," Ed exasperated, "what're you doing? You're supposed to be on lookout for the guy!"

"I was waiting for you," stated Al plainly. "I saw you go into that hotel and decided to wait until you were either done or had gotten kicked out so I could share what I bought."

Ed approached Al sluggishly. "Well what is it? Whaddyou want to show me?"

"Heh-heh. Check this out." Al opened his chest plate to reveal… a metal shelf with different medicinal bottles and bags lined perfectly upon it.

Ed bent down a little so he could see the goods from a better angle. "…Since when did you become a walking pharmacy, Al?"

"Since you gave me the money to buy this medicine," Al answered in a wry tone, agitating Ed in the process. "Look, I have something for everything right here. Pills for fever and chills, herbs for a stuffed-up nose, oils for a sore throat, tea for an upset stomach, and cream for chapped skin."

"I don't need any of that; it's only a cold!" Ed exclaimed. "Just let my immune response do the work and gimme the money that's left over. You're not shopping for anything else tonight."

Al closed his chest containing both the medicine and the remaining money inside, and shifted away from Ed. "But we agreed I could spend the money on necessities. Medicine just so happens to be one of them."

Ed huffed. "Listen, I don't have the energy to argue. Give me the money and let's get back to our search!"

Without saying another word, Al reopened his chest plate and pulled out the scraps of cen bills and coins, handing them to Ed to stow in his wallet, which he did so ungracefully.

As Ed stood upright, Al arose from the bench and began to amble away, feeling downtrodden and heavier than usual.

"It's not like those medicines instantly cure you anyway." Ed shut his eyes and folded his arms behind his head. "…I only wish I could take on these germs hand-to-hand. Then I'd kick all their asses."

Just then Al stopped abruptly and shot a glance back at his brother. "You know, you have a real problem accepting help from other people, including me."

Ed opened his eyes and blinked. "…And for a good reason, too!" he retaliated. "Nine times out of ten I can take care of myself perfectly fine."

"Is that true? Remember: you're the one with a human body – you're the one who's vulnerable, so it's my job as a giant suit of armor to help and protect you by any means necessary, even if it's as small as fighting off the common cold."

"You're beginning to sound like one of those self-important sentinels, Al."

"Well that's what I basically am! Except I'm not self-important, I'm simply pointing out that – "

Ed dropped his hands and clenched them. "You've been nagging me on and off this whole time and it's not helping me out at all! It's only been a distraction, nothing more!"

"I'm not trying to be a nag!" Having said that, Al grunted, and slowly turned his head down. "…I just wanted you to feel better."

A long period of silence passed. Al and Ed stood there, not moving, but at least thinking. Ed's angered expression softened, and he deeply inhaled and exhaled. "Okay, I'm sorry. My mind's nothing but a foggy mess right now. Here, let me have the stuff you got for a fever." He held out his right palm, motioning the medicine over. Surprised, Al opened his chest and pulled out a small pill bottle. He handed it over to Ed, at which point Ed popped off the lid and tapped a few fever pills into his mouth. He washed them down with a swig of juice and closed the bottle, sliding it into his pocket.

"Thanks," Ed said.

Al was at last put to some peace of mind. But then out of the corner of his vision he saw a man stepping out of the same hotel Ed had perused. He was neatly dressed but sported porcupine hair. He carried a suitcase with him. Al pulled out a pair of binoculars he had stashed deeper in his armor and focused in on the man as he descended the stairs. He had a nick in his nose and a charm necklace.

"You see something?" Ed asked attentively.

"Yeah." Al adjusted the binocular lenses a little. "There's this person leaving the same hotel you came out of. He looks kind of like how you described the suspect."

Ed coughed with his mouth closed as he approached Al's side. "Mind if I take a look?"

"Sure." Al lowered the binoculars from his eyeholes and lent them to Ed, who readjusted them and found the man in his scope. The man turned at the bottom of the stairs toward the sidewalk and followed the sidewalk to the last block of the Square.

"Spiked hair, nicked nose, necklace… hey that's the guy!" Ed tossed the binoculars back to his brother and threw his drinking cup on the ground, taking off in a mad dash. "After him, Al!"

"Uh!" Al stuttered. He stooped down and picked up the thrown cup, stuffing it and the binoculars in his armor before taking off as well.

When the man heard the pounding of steps drawing closer he peered over his shoulder to see a red-coated pipsqueak coming for his soul. He gasped in absolute fright and kicked his feet into a run. He soon made a sharp turn into a dark alley, vanishing from sight.

"You're not getting away from me!" Ed yelled as he charged into the alley himself.

* * *

><p>Under the night sky, in the strikingly contrasting slum laying against the wealthy Central Square's boundary, the man ran through narrow twisting alleyways with Edward struggling to stay hot on his heels in the dark. He panted and heaved as he tried to find a way to lose his pursuer. Eventually, though, he stumbled upon a dead end, with tall walls closing him in on every side except the one from which he entered, beaming with moonlight.<p>

He backed up against the dead end wall, then frantically stooped and snapped open his suitcase on the ground. Ed soon appeared, blocking his only means of escape.

"Nowhere left to run." Ed sighed and sniffed, putting his hands in his pockets. Al clanked up behind him, his eyes shining as white as the moon above.

But the man had something in his hands that he had removed from the suitcase. It looked like a pointed wooden artifact, carved into the shape of a flying swan. He opened its top and its bottom. It was a weapon in disguise.

Ed realized the man was about to pull something funny, so he raised and clapped his hands. Yet at nearly the same moment he did, a tingling sensation overwhelmed his nose and caused him to sneeze.

"_Aa-choo!_"

"_Aah!_" The man recognized Ed's threat as an alchemist and cocked his weapon: a machine gun. Upon hearing the cocking sound Al jumped in front of a dazed Ed. He kneeled to the ground and raised his arms, protecting Ed from an oncoming barrage of bullets. They struck him all over, ricocheting at the walls and the ground.

Once the round of bullets had ended and the man could no longer fire, Al stood upright again with a clank. He had this to say.

"Don't point your gun at my brother."

He lunged forward and grabbed the man's weapon, tearing it from his hands and breaking it in half.

Ed shook his head to rid himself of his dizziness. "Whew." He then lifted it, opening his eyes and narrowing them. "Let's try this again," he muttered.

He clapped his hands and reached for a drain pipe on the wall to his right. Blue kinetic energy spread through pipe and into the air. He broke the pipe from its moorings and transformed it into a long, whipping chain.

"Al, catch!" Ed threw the chain's tail, and Al turned around and caught it. He and Ed took their own end of the chain and used it to wrap up the man nice and tight. Once they had done so, letting the man lay there bundled on the ground, they high-fived.

"We got him!" exclaimed Al.

"Yep, and a lot quicker than I expected, too," Ed claimed, putting his hands on his hips.

"But now what are we supposed to do?"

"What else? We move on to our next phase." Ed grinned evilly. "_Interrogation_."

* * *

><p>The man panted and glanced around, finding himself still wrapped in chains and now, seated in a chair. He was situated in the enclosed dark cellar of an old building, with nothing but one lit lamp hanging overhead to cast any light. He heard the footsteps of the red-coated alchemist circling from behind him, ominous harsh shadows casting on both their faces.<p>

"You're gonna cooperate with us and spill every ounce of information you have on your mercury development project."

"I told you I don't know what you're talking about!" the man shouted. "I don't know anything about it!"

Alphonse sat on a barrel in the dark, holding his hands together in his lap as Ed continued circling. "…Are you sure this is the guy? I'm starting to wonder if we were wrong."

"Of course this is the guy!" Ed snapped. "He even had a mobster-fit weapon on his hands! See, the key to making a thug like him squeal involves patience, seamlessly combined with a dose of good old-fashioned torment."

"So…" pondered Al. "Should we slap him?"

The man sunk his head in utter misery.

"Nah, that's too cliché." Ed placed his hand on his chin. "Let's trash him with something more creative. I think I'll use some of the threats I've been saving."

"Saving?" Al didn't like the sound of that.

The man watched intently as Ed walked up to him, glaring him down.

"See this hand?" Ed took the glove off his right hand, revealing his automail. The man stared at it in shock. "It's cold hard automail. If you won't tell me what I wanna know I'm afraid I'm going to have to…"

The man turned his head, eyes shutting tightly.

"Tickle you with it!" Ed reached out and tickled the guy's neck.

"Oh… ho-haha! That's cold as hell! Oh Ga-ha-hawd!" The man was jerking and squirming around in chilled laughter.

Al couldn't believe what he was witnessing. He sighed and groaned at the same time. "Seriously? That's your creative threat?"

"Hey now, I've got a lot more I can play around with – you stay put and watch." Ed stopped tickling the panting, giggling man and coughed into his arm. "Here's one I like to call the Brain Worm."

He leaned over and fixated on the guy eye-to-eye, squinting his own. "Most people say that psychics are only a myth, but I can still enter minds by reading faces. Right now I'm studying yours and I see that you're afraid of alchemists like me and feel like you deserve less of a punishment than what you're going to get for breaking the laws of the State. As a State Alchemist myself I have the power to banish you to a world of pain with any weapon I can come up with, and you'll be hopeless against my inventions of iron-clad justice."

The man sweated beads and whimpered.

"And if you call me short I'll also yank out the carpeting in your nostrils and knock your teeth flat. I know you want to say it. It's on the tip of your dirty tongue."

"No-no-no!" The man yelped for his dear life. Ed ended the threat there, standing upright and wheezing to regain his breath, at the moment shallow and labored.

"…Oh-oh, let me try now. I'll show you what _I_ can do." Al got up from the barrel and clanked over to the man, encompassing his scared face in shadow. He deepened his voice as much as he could.

"The jig's up, scumwad. You're goin' to the big house, but not before I punch some answers outta you." He punched the fist he made into his other hand and finished there.

Ed made a disapproving face and sighed. "No, see, your threats are way too bland."

"Hey, at least mine make sense!" Al lashed back. "Yours don't make any whatsoever!"

"They don't have to make sense; their only purpose is to drive people crazy until they snap!"

"Well they sure are driving me crazy considering how ridiculous they are!"

"Thank you, I take full pride in that!"

"_Please!_" yelled the man, silencing Ed and Al's argument. "Just please-please stop! I'll tell you where the labs are, I swear! I'll tell you everything I know about the mercury! Just stop trying to torture me for crying out loud!"

Ed and Al were stuck in the midst of staring at him. "Huh," said Al. "That seemed to work."

* * *

><p>When they had finished interrogating the man, Ed and Al headed back to Central Square and handed the guy over to the many MPs stationed in the area. Then, they walked on in search of a communications outlet.<p>

"I'm starting to feel a little better," Ed proclaimed. "Saving people and sending a dangerous criminal to justice is almost like therapy for me!"

"Shut up," Al giggled, giving Ed a playful light punch in the arm. "You know it's the medicine I gave you; and besides, isn't doing good for the State enough without a reward?"

"What're you talking about? It always has its reward; knowing I did good is making me feel good." Ed peered up at Al. "You see what I'm getting at?"

"…Uh… huh. Yeah, I see what you mean."

The two approached a phone booth from the side of the street.

Ed stepped into the booth, entered some coins into the slot, and placed a hand on the phone. "Just gotta call the Colonel now and let the memo that we caught our bad guy ripple through the ranks."

With that Ed entered Mustang's number on the rotary dial and held the receiver to his ear. After a few rings the Colonel picked up on the other end.

"Mustang speaking."

"Hello Colonel Mustang. Ed Elric here."

Roy was in the middle of finishing up some paperwork. "Ed?" He chuckled. "You're calling awfully late kid. I was about ready to lock up. Is there something you'd like to bring to my attention?"

"Oh, it's nothin' major really, only _I've got your mercury suspect safe in custody_."

Roy's expression went blank. "Do you now."

"Uh-huh." Ed grinned. "That's right."

Roy felt between two fingers of his free hand and studied his nails. "Well I can't say I'm too thrilled Edward; I expected you to catch him and ferry him over to Central Command more than eight hours ago."

Ed wasn't going to let that comment lower his spirits. "_I thought you might say that. Beggars can't be choosers_," he said through grit teeth.

"So, what can you tell me about him and his gang's operations?"

"Well, um, he didn't sound too savvy on how mercury can be turned into a solid at a normal temperature, but he did tell us his name and occupation. He's a peddler for their stuff and said their labs are dotted mostly across the south end of the country along the big city routes."

Roy lowered his brows. "That doesn't make sense. Our deposits of mercury are located almost exclusively in the north-by-northwest region of the country; they couldn't simply transport the metal that far without being exposed."

Ed became confused. "Really? Then… what does that mean? Was the person lying?"

"It's a strong possibility." Roy aligned some papers and set them aside. "How did the guy refer himself?"

"He said he went by Sidney Frasure."

"Sidney… Frasure." Roy leaned back with his hand on his chin, gazing at the ceiling. "Where have I heard that name."

Lieutenant Hawkeye knocked on the office door and opened it. "Colonel Mustang, it's getting late. You should call it a day and complete the rest of those documents tomorrow."

Roy peered over at her, placing his hand on the receiver. "Hey Riza, does the name 'Sidney Frasure' ring a bell to you by any chance?"

"…Yes, I believe that's the ex-military man who's still under rehabilitation for paranoia disorder." Riza stepped into the room and toward his desk. "We have him listed in our top secret records."

"…Is he a pretty profound liar?"

"Let's have a look." Riza walked over to a filing cabinet with a drawer labeled "Top Secret" and pulled it out, flipping through the folders until coming across the one with Sidney's name. She took it and placed it in front of Roy on his desk.

"These are his files containing everything from the medications he's been prescribed to his profile photograph."

Roy flipped through it, and came across Sidney's picture, tagged with a written description.

"Whoops." Roy turned pale, and then a deep shade of blue.

"Colonel?"

Roy strained himself and creaked his head to Riza. "…_This is the exact same profile I gave out to the investigations department after the first mercury suspect report came in_."

Riza narrowed her eyes. "You were in charge of disclosing information from these files and must have copied the wrong physical description on the final suspect report when we reorganized profile drafts of all the entities on record."

"Sounds about right," Roy wheezed.

"Colonel? You there?" came Ed's voice.

Roy tightened his lower lip and sucked in a breath through his nose. "You've nabbed the wrong guy, Ed. Sid's got nothing to do with the mercury smugglers."

"…Wait. What?!" Ed burst, catching Al's attention behind him. "But you told me – "

"I told you wrong." Roy read from Sidney's files. "Sidney is a mental patient at Central's psychiatric ward who got put on probation not long before sightings of the smugglers started being recorded. In other words," Roy sighed and said in a low tone, "you'd be well off branding him as a false lead."

"But he had all the markings of a classic racketeer! He pulled a freakin' zip gun on me and nearly pelted me full o' holes!"

"…He'll face a probation violation, but the idea was to drop him in the city's most secure public area so he wouldn't experience the fear of being jumped by crooks or serial killers. He's a clever albeit reclusive covert specialist who's been struggling with bouts of extreme paranoia for years. He probably thought you were trying to kill him."

"He was trying to kill _me!_ That's worth more than a probation violation, Colonel; he needs to be thrown in jail!"

Roy continued to study Sidney's files. "…Unfortunately he's under special government protection in line with the psychiatric ward; we're not able to convict him for getting a bit trigger happy. Sorry kid."

"Are you kidding me?! All that work and dragging my ass out here for nothing?!"

Roy sweated and his eyebrow twitched. "Let's just chalk this up on a negligible basis. You can return to HQ now, Fullmetal. Take care."

"Guagh!" Edward's fever boiled back, making him red in the face. His soul flew right out of his body.

The next thing Al saw was his brother bent out of shape on the ground half-outside the telephone booth. The phone dangled to and fro from the phone box. "…Edward?" he squeaked.

* * *

><p>Roy hung up very delicately, but he still had a tight grip on the phone handle.<p>

Riza spoke in earnest. "You do realize you've expended valuable investigative resources on a fool's errand and may have to answer directly to the Führer for this blunder."

Roy's thoughts were spiraling out of control._ How could I make a mistake that huge? Am I slipping into office-bred insanity?!_

"Sir?" Riza took an anxious step toward him. "Colonel Mustang?"

Blue-faced and stunned senseless, Roy fell back from his chair and hit the floor. He suffered a concussion for the next few weeks.

* * *

><p><strong>And the moral of the story is: even grownups make mistakes. Sometimes very stupid ones.<strong>


End file.
